It’s not big and it’s not clever
1/
Stupid South American hats
They are now ubiquitously on sale in stores, high streets, pubs, clubs and supermarkets.
You’ve seen them; you know the ones I mean:
I cannot walk down my local high street without some Lama headed buffoon trying to flog me one of these ridiculous head warmers!
Now, if I wanted to look like a South American* I would be dressed in a white suit, wearing ridiculous amounts of gold on my hands, yet more around my neck, three days worth of stubble on my chin and dealing grade “A” cocaine to Chavs.
Listen: These hats are not actually cool, certainly not fashionable and are definately not cute and if I see another Aztec wannabe chewing the bloody tampon strings on the end of his multi coloured rabbit flapped man made nylon fibre fake Alpaca chump hat then I shall strangle the retard with them!
Get a grip or, better yet, get a shredder!
*NB I was told that the above rant was politically incorrect as I was "negatively labeling" Peruvians.
To the nation of Peru: I apologise.
I have now removed the word Peruvian and have inserted the words South American.
Consequentially I am now able to to piss off a whole sub continent rather than just a country.
So, thanks for pointing that one out!
2/ Freshen up! Freshen up!
When I go into the toilet of the club or pub I have chosen to spend my beer tokens at I am simply going there to relieve myself and to lessen the strain on my bladder.
I am not going there to be harassed by some toilet trading dimwit with a vast selection of miniature after shaves and eau de colognes spread out along the entire length of the wash basins!
When will these imbeciles realise that it is actually quite insulting to have a complete stranger accost you with the words “Freshen up, freshen up”?
Do I smell?
Has my body odour become so anti socially vile that I need to “Freshen up, freshen up” each time I take a piss?
And let's be fair:
Who smells like a toilet; him or me?
I only go in a couple of times for a minute or so of an evening.
I am not the one who has set up camp in the most malodourous area of the pub/club!
When I have completed my toilet requirements I now find that it is almost impossible to access a wash hand basin due to the colouful array of bottles spread out like sweet smelling toy soldiers on parade: Joop, Boss, Jean Paul Gaultier and ample to name but a few (and if Mr. Freshen up thinks I can’t see he has scraped the letter S off the last one there then he is as stupid as he is rood)
So, toilet traders, beware:
The next time I am accosted by you I shall tell the biggest ugliest drunk in the toilet that;
“That man there said you smell like Lama shit and you need to freshen up, freshen up”
3/ “Funny” T shirts.
Why are supposedly “Funny” T shirts invariably worn by under-achieving shit wits who seem to think that by purchasing someone else’s half baked attempt at humour and or sarcasm that this will make them become amusing and popular?
I quote from the ten worst T shirt slogans I have seen both recently and over the years:
1/ I’m with Stupid
(Depiction: a hand pointing left or right)
NO!!! YOU are stupid!
2/ Makin’ Bacon
(Depiction: two pigs shagging)
So, as well as the embarrassment of having a picture of your parents in flagrante delicto emblazoned on your T shirt, it could not have been easy actually getting that shirt on with trotters
3/ You don’t have to be mad to work here but it helps
No, but a fair amount of tasteless stupidity probably goes a long way
4/ The boss isn’t always right but he is always the Boss
(Depiction: self satisfied smirking buffoon wearing Bowler hat)
Invariably worn by the Boss.
Yes, that should garner respect from the imbeciles who wear number 3.
5/ I beat anorexia
No picture, just the shirt being worn by clinically obese comfort eating morons who have had neither girlfriends nor prostitutes.
6/ I may not be hung like a stallion but it’s as wide as a blind cobblers thumb and I have 18 stones to bang it in with!
(See 5 above)
7/ I wish these were brains
Worn by unfeasibly large breasted bimbos who have decided that they were the generation to discover the female equivalent of “ladism” and as a consequence get pissed on alcopops and continually ask the club DJ to play “Girls just wanna have fun” and “Its raining men”
Oh, Hallelujah!
8/ I’d rather be snorting cocaine off a hookers ass.
see number 5 above and try to put the possessive apostrophe in there the next time you want the world to know that you wish to take drugs by inhaling them off a prostitute’s donkey!
9/ Sarcasm is just one more service I offer
No it isn’t! You paid for that crap in the first place!
The service you offer is to look like a twat.
10/ (My all time most hated) I heart NY
Well sodding well go there then!
How many people who wear these miserable rags have actually been there?
I could have put another 50 in the list but I was only making myself grumpier as the list went on!
Still,
Frankie says relax
AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!
4/ Car bumper stickers
I suppose that the next logical step from the annoying T shirt is the annoying car bumper sticker.
Like T shirts there are more than enough of them out there to really piss you off.
1/ Baby on board (aka; Little Princess on board/ Small person on board)
Does this actually let me know anything other than the fact that you did not practice any form of contraception?
Are you secretly telling the world that you are Catholic?
Perhaps it’s a cryptic code instructing members of Opus Dei who wish to slap each other’s inner thigh with ragged car bumper stickers to follow you: “My other sticker is a Cilice”
Or am I supposed to be more careful than I usually am because the driver in front has a sticker declaring his high sperm count or her proclivity for quick conception?
What bloody purpose does it serve?
2/ Dad’s Taxi
So, your father is a taxi driver and you have borrowed his car?
Or is it to let me know that your spoiled brats are taking you for a ride by making you take them for a ride?
If so then my advice to you is phone a real taxi for them the next time they want to go out or come home!
3/ My other car is a Porsche.
Liar!
Your other car is also a heap of crap
The only sticker I have seen that comes as close to the vulgarity of this one was:
“My other car is also a Porsche” and was stuck to the bumper of a Porsche.
Liar!
4/ Honk if you’re horny
I have never honked despite upon occasion actually feeling quite randy whilst driving and, thank God, I do not know anyone who has!
Is it there in the vain hope of getting an absolutely fantastic big breasted shaggable blonde bombshell to honk at you?
Lucked out there, Matey!
5/ Don’t blame me I didn’t vote
Then keep your dim mouth firmly shut when I am discussing politics with people that bloody well did vote!
You have no right to complain about anything whatsoever and even less right to boast about your stupidity.
Further, I hope that the ghosts of Suffragettes and Chartists haunt you nightly you scabrous halfwit.
6/ If you can read this you’re to close
Not with vision I’m not.
I can’t say the same for the myopic loony who needs to know what your size 3 font wording says and is about 3 inches away from you at 70 MPH though!
7/ I H8 car stickers
Done, as shown, in “text talk”.
I am at a loss on this one maybe the irony is too deep for me.
I wonder, why would someone have a car sticker that said I hate car stickers?
OH! I know! Because they are prepared to give Poundland a pound for someone else’s crap attempt at irony!!!
8/ Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life
Does this sticker work on the other 6/7ths of your life?
9/ I'm not a complete idiot, some of the parts are missing.
And I’m not a Turrete’s sufferer you really are a F***ing W**KST**N on the carpet of life!
10/ I heart NY
Then bugger off there then!